In a row?
1.
I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car
backwards. Now everywhere I go, I’m chased by a herd of deer.
2.
I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower
grows. And a foundation leaks, and a ball game gets rained out, and a car rusts,
and…
3.
I believe you should live each day as if it is your
last, which is why I don’t have any clean laundry, because, come on, who wants to
wash clothes on the last day of their life?
4.
I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun
out of Halloween.
5.
I brake for Hallucinations.
6.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone…
7.
I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain
to be a vegetarian.
8.
I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute
of it.
9.
I doubt, therefore I might be.
10.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
11.
I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
12.
I have a catapult. Give me all the money, or I will
fling an enormous rock at your head.
13.
I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make
me paranoid.
14.
I haven’t lost my mind; I have a tape back‑up somewhere.
15.
I know I’m not going to understand women. I’ll never
understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip
the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
16.
I like you, but I wouldn’t want to see you working
with sub‑atomic particles.
17.
I love cats. They taste just like chicken.
18.
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
19.
I make my own water ‑ two glasses of H, one of O.
20.
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
21.
I often wonder how come John Tesh isn’t as popular
a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it’s because he sucks.
22.
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed
opponent.
23.
I say “fuck” so much, I literally forget it
offends some people.
24.
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent
me a wake up letter.
25.
I think someone should invent Beerguard, because how
often do you actually spill Scotch on the carpet?
26.
I thought I wanted a career, but it turns out I just
wanted paychecks.
27.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative
28.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got
stuck in my nose.
29.
I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.
30.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather… not
screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car
31.
I was hitchhiking the other day, and a hearse stopped.
I said, “No thanks ‑ I’m not going that far.”
32.
I went down the street to the 24‑hour grocery. When
I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, “Hey, the sign says you’re
open 24 hours.” He said, “Not in a row.”
33.
I went for a walk last night and my girlfriend asked
me how long I was going to be gone. I said, “The whole time.”
34.
I would explain it to you, but I don’t have any
crayons with me.
35.
I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
36.
I’d get a life, if I could find somewhere to download
one.
37.
I’d rather be pissed off than pissed on.
38.
I’ll be around… Unless, of course, I’m elsewhere.
39.
I’m a peripheral visionary.
40.
I’m as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
41.
I’m not calling you “stupid”, I’m calling you “not
nearly as smart as me.”
42.
I’m not going to worry unless I see animals start
lining up two by two for the space shuttle.
43.
I’m not paranoid! Which of my enemies said I was?
44.
I’m not saying that the customer service in my bank
is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance…
she leaned over and pushed me.
45.
I’m OK. You’re so‑so.
46.
I’m super lazy today! Which is like normal lazy,
but I’m also wearing a cape…
47.
I’m taking La maze classes. I’m not having a baby,
I’m just having trouble breathing.
48.
I’ve been in the academic world a long time… I can
sleep with my eyes open, which is an important skill for those of you considering
jobs in middle and upper management.
49.
I’ve come to a point in my life where I need a
stronger word than “fuck”.
50.
I’ve decided that to raise my grades I must lower
my standards.
51.
I’ve found a sure way to relieve office stress:
Step 1: Take a deep
breath.
Step 2: Count to
10.
Step 3: Set the boss’s
wastebasket on fire.
52.
I’ve had fun before. This isn’t it.
53.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
54.
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his
hands with soap?
55.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens
suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
56.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around
to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
57.
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience
sitting?
58.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers,
why are they all still working?
59.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
60.
If at first you don’t succeed, call it v1.0!
61.
If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows
and only four tellers?
62.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her
friends?
63.
If food was named after who ate it, Cheetos would
be called “Dungeon Masters.”
64.
If
football were any easier it would be cheerleading. If
cheerleading were any smarter it would be band.
65.
If God dropped acid, would he see humans?
66.
If god wanted us to have unlimited free energy,
he’d have put a giant fusion reactor in the sky.
67.
If I find in myself a desire which no experience
in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for
another world.
68.
If I promise to miss you, will you go away?
69.
If I want your opinion, I’ll ask you to fill out the
necessary forms.
70.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t be one of those people
who immediately quit their jobs. I’d make my boss’s life a living hell for a week
or two first. Winning isn’t everything. Winning and gloating and rubbing their noses
in it… that’s everything!
71.
If ignorance is bliss, you must feel orgasmic.
72.
If it were truly the thought that counted, more women
would be pregnant.
73.
If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would get
done.
74.
If it’s tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?
75.
If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed
to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
76.
If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of
life, then let’s all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
77.
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
78.
If meteorologists study the weather, who studies meteors?
79.
If money stopped buying things, I’d lose interest
in it.
80.
If my answers frighten you, then you should cease
asking scary questions.
81.
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil
come from?
82.
If someone from Ziploc could contact literally
anyone in the cereal business, that would be great.
83.
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still
#2?
84.
If the enemy is in range, so are you.
85.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has
the right to remain silent?
86.
If there was a ‘Bi-Sexual Pride’ parade, would it
go both ways?
87.
If things get any worse, I’ll have to ask you to stop
helping me.
88.
If triangles had a God, He would have three sides.
89.
If voting could really change things, it would be
illegal.
90.
If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they
made of meat?
91.
If we can’t compress the awards shows into one, can
we get an “Award Show Channel” so we can ignore all of them, all the time?
92.
If you are short of anything but the enemy you are
in a combat zone.
93.
If you can’t remember, the claymore is always pointed
at you.
94.
If you don’t understand it, it must be intuitively
obvious.
95.
If you took all the students that fell asleep in class
and laid them end to end, they’d be a lot more comfortable.
96.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
97.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention
to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
98.
If you were to sweep me off my feet… you would have
to be a broom.
99.
If you’re born again, do you have two belly‑buttons?
100.
If you’re not part of the solution, be part of the
problem!
101.
If you’re really a Goth, then where were you when
we were sacking Rome?
102.
If you’re sending someone some Styrofoam, what do
you pack it in?
103.
If your attack is going well, you have walked into
an ambush.
104.
If your mind goes blank remember to turn off the sound.
105.
Illegal Operation. The police will arrive shortly.
Make no sudden moves. You have the right to remain silent…
106.
Illiterate? Write for free information.
107.
Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers.
108.
In democracy your vote counts; in feudalism your count
votes.
109.
In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
110.
In some ways we are more confused than ever, but we
feel that we are confused on a higher level and about more important things.
111.
In
the beginning, there was nothing. And the Lord said, “Let there be light!’ and
there was still nothing, but now you could see it.
112.
In
the future, controllers will only have one button. The action produced when
pressed will depend on the facial expression you pull while hitting it.
113.
Incoming fire has the right of way.
114.
Institute: An archaic school where football is not
taught.
115.
Inside every small problem is a large problem struggling
to get out.
116.
The Internet: What devastatingly-complex issue
can I oversimplify for you today?
117.
An Irishman is not drunk so long as he can hold
on to one blade of grass and not fall off the earth.
118.
Is a book listing the definitions of habitual substances
known as an addictionary?
119.
Is ignorance really bliss, or are you just faking
it?
120.
Is it all right to yell “MOVIE!” in a crowded Firehouse?
121.
Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because
they taste funny?
122.
Isn’t Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
123.
It is as
bad as you think, and they are out to
get you.
124.
It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who
have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently
view it as some kind of recreational activity.
125.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply
to serve as a warning to others.
126.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular
level I’m really quite busy.
127.
It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown, and
fewer still to ignore someone completely.
128.
It works better if you plug it in.
129.
It’s all fun and games until
somebody blows up the Sun.
130.
It’s always easy to see both sides of an issue we
are not particularly concerned about.
131.
It’s been lovely, but I have to scream now.
132.
It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
133.
It’s
not God I dislike, It’s his fan club that gets me.
134.
It’s not hard to meet expenses; they’re everywhere.
