Quotes - Part Twenty-Two

 

326.                   Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

--Manly’s Maxim

327.                   To understand recursion, one must first understand recursion

--Tina Mancuso, on “The Jargon File”

328.                   I can’t listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.

--Manhattan Murder Mystery

329.                   Well, it’s not really “hi-fi,” and not really “lo-fi.” It’s just kinda “fi.”

--Aimee Mann

330.                   What you have when everyone wears the same play clothes for all occasions, is addressed by nickname, expected to participate in Show and Tell, and bullied out of any desire for privacy, is not democracy; it is kindergarten.

--Miss Manners

331.                   I solemnly avow that religion is bunkum everywhere it is found and in every form in which it is found.  Furthermore, I declare that the acceptance of poorly transcribed, poorly edited manuscripts from prehistoric tribes as the word of the universe itself is a folly that should strain the gullibility of a six-year-old child.  I heretofore state without equivocation that religion makes stupidity the way apple trees make apples.

–Stephen Marche

332.                   The good thing about having a death wish is that you’re much more likely to get that wish than, say, the one about a lingerie-clad Nicole Kidman stopping by your apartment with beer and pizza.

--Maurizio Mariotti

333.                   For those habituated to high levels of internal stress since early childhood, it is the absence of stress that creates unease, evoking boredom, and a sense of meaninglessness.  People may become addicted to their own stress hormones, adrenaline and cortisol, Hans Selye observed.  To such persons, stress feels desirable, while the absence of it feels like something to be avoided.

--Gabor Maté, MD

334.                   Some people have a way with words, and other people… not have way.

--Steve Martin

335.               I have had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.

--Groucho Marx

336.               Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend; inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

--Groucho Marx

337.               When in doubt, predict that the present trend will continue.

--Merkin’s Maxim

338.               Maybe you’re not healing because you’re trying to be who you were before the trauma.  That person doesn’t exist anymore because there’s a new you trying to be born.  Breathe life into that person.

--Boii McCoy

339.               I love boxing. Where else do two grown men prance around in satin underwear, fighting over a belt? The one who wins gets a purse. And they do it in gloves. It’s the accessories I love.

--John McGovern

340.               Dave, no. No killing any innocents today. No. Bad Dave.

--Jess McGregor

341.               If you’re cross‑eyed and have dyslexia, can you see okay?

--John Mendoza

342.               For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong.

--H.L. Mencken

343.               Love is 80% maintenance: changing filters, cleaning grout, touching up paint. Love is tedious and repetitive, and also the most important thing in the universe. Without that work, everything falls apart. And the only reason anyone bothers is because of who we’re doing it for.”

–Micro Flash Fiction

344.               Some things are so wonderful that it almost feels ungrateful to say, “That’s enough.” But beauty you cannot avoid is wallpaper. Music you cannot silence is noise. And an embrace you cannot break is a restraint. Tonight was fantastic, but it becomes less so every second you stay.

–Micro Flash Fiction

345.               People always make fun of Midwesterners for not taking cover during a tornado when it’s literally called “tornado watch.”

--@midwestern_ope

346.                   Revelation in net speak: God: “Praise or GTFO” Heathen: “L@wl f@g!” God: “FLAME WAR! /ban”

--Randal Milholland

347.                   The biggest conspiracy has always been the fact that there is no conspiracy. Nobody’s out to get you. Nobody gives a shit whether you live or die. There, you feel better now?

--Dennis Miller

348.                   Promise me you’ll always remember: you’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.

--A.A. Milne, Christopher Robin to Pooh

349.                   Sorry I used finger puppets and crayons to explain what condescending means to you.

--@missekay

350.                   I need “Happier than a necromancer in a natural history museum” to become a known phrase immediately.

--@misterartist

Quotes - Part Twenty-One

 

301.                   It’s in the quiet I miss you most when my mind has the chance to wander and my heart has a moment to remember.

--Lola Lawrence

302.                   We die a little every day and by degrees we’re reborn into different men, older men in the same clothes, with the same scars.

--Mark Lawrence, King of Thorns

303.                   No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats – approximately one billion Chinese couldn’t care less.

--Lazlo’s Chinese Relativity Axiom

304.                   Life Sucks; get a Helmet.

--Dennis Leary

305.                   Physics isn’t a religion. If it were, we’d have a much easier time raising money.

--Leon Lederman

306.                   Base 8 is just like base 10, really… if you’re missing two fingers

--Tom Lehrer, “The New Math”

307.                   I know there are people who hate other people, and I hate people like that!

--Tom Lehrer

308.                   If God doesn’t destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.

--Jay Leno

309.                   It was on this day in 1865 that President Lincoln was shot at Ford’s Theatre by actor John Wilkes Booth. It was also the beginning of a feud between Republican presidents and actors that continues until this day.

--Jay Leno

310.               If at first you don’t succeed, you’re doing about average.

--Leonard Levinson

311.               Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?

a)       Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.

b)      Advising the President.

c)       Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.

--David Letterman

312.               You can tell the holidays are close. You can feel it. Today a 70-foot Norway spruce was selected as the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree. What says the holidays better than the destruction of a 200-year-old miracle of nature?

--David Letterman

313.               The White House says North Korea has missiles with the capability of being launched in North Korea and landing on the west coast of the United States. I was thinking about this, and was like, “Oh hell, that’s Leno’s problem.”

--David Letterman

314.               When I became a man, I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up.

--C.S. Lewis

315.               Petition to replace “quantitative” and “qualitative” with “numbery” and “feely”.

--Michael Leung

316.               I am sick unto death of obscure English towns that exist seemingly for the sole accommodation of these so‑called limerick writers – and even sicker of their residents, all of whom suffer from physical deformities and spend their time dismembering relatives at fancy dress balls.

--Editor of the Limerick Times (Limerick, Ireland)

317.               There are two rules for success: 1) Never tell everything you know.

--Roger H. Lincoln

318.               Equal rights for others does not mean less rights for you.  It’s not pie.

--The Little Market

319.               That moment when you finish a book, look around, and realize that everyone is just carrying on with their lives…  As though you didn’t just experience emotional trauma at the hands of a paperback.

--LOLSnaps.com

320.               A baby’s laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you’ll ever hear.  Unless it’s 3 AM, you’re home alone, and you don’t have a baby.

--@lolsotrue

321.               After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

--Lorenz’s Law of Mechanical Repair

322.               It ain’t over until all reality is reduced to a single point of infinite gravity…

--Jeph Loeb, Ed McGuinness, Superman: Emperor Joker

323.               I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters.

--Susie Loucks

324.               If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

--Lowery’s Law

325.               You cannot have an elliptical orbit that passes through the Schwarzschild radius. I mean, more than once.

--Paul Lutus, sci.physics

Reading

 So I have been casting about recently trying to find a new book to read that grabs ne the way The Deathworlders did.

I tried an anthology of stores that were inspired by Lovecraft, but not of the Mythos.  It was kind of "meh."

Then I came across a book that was co-written by Keanu Reeves and China Miéville called The Book of Elsewhere.

And I tried, I honestly tried to read it.

The thing that struck me was that it seemed like after each chapter was written someone went through and chose a word, looked it up in a big thesaurus, and replaced the original word with the most obscure and esoteric sounding replacement.

I gave up after the first chapter.

Quotes - Part Twenty

276.                   I loved her, not for the way she danced with my angels… But for the way the sounds of her name could silence my demons.

--Raul Julia as Gomez Addams in “Addams Family Values”

277.                   It is often stated that of all the theories proposed in this century, the silliest is quantum theory. In fact, some say that the only thing that quantum theory has going for it is that it is unquestionably correct

--Michio Kaku

278.                   I’m not the first person to make this point, but ladies, if they’re going to put you in jail for an abortion, you might as well kill your rapist, and get a 2 for 1.

--@kamiroart

279.                   If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we’ve solved it.

--Kasspe

280.                   Dreams save us.  Dreams lift us up an transform us.  And on my soul I swear… until my dream of a world where dignity, honor, and justice becomes the reality we all share… I’ll never stop fighting. Ever.

--Joe Kelly, said by Superman in Action Comics #775

281.                   Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.

--Mary Kelly

282.                   I love that Dr. Strange didn’t get a superhero name when he got his powers.  He was like, “I went to medical school and this magic thing is a hobby.”

--Ryan Ken

283.                   I’m amazed by people who lose weight with exercise.  When I exercise, nothing happens because my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant.  So, it’s like, Oh! Ae running from the English again, lass?  Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards.”

--Jamie Kenney

284.                   A man may die, nations may rise and fall, but an idea lives on.

--John F. Kennedy

285.               Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.

--John F. Kennedy

286.               Moving in together with a man is like buying something you have long admired in a shop window. You’re exalted when you bring it home, but you soon discover that it doesn’t match the rest of the furniture.

--Jean Kerr

287.               Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone.

--John Maynard Keynes

288.               Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build bridges even when there are no rivers.

--Nikita Khrushchev

289.               I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead.

--Laura Kightlinger

290.               Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy… in a jar on my desk.

--Stephen King, March 8, 1990

291.               When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, “Why god? Why me?” and the thundering voice of God answered, “There’s just something about you that pisses me off.”

---Stephen King

292.               It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

--Fletcher Knebel

293.               The most important thing in the programming language is the name. A language will not succeed without a good name. I have recently invented a very good name and now I am looking for a suitable language.

--D. E. Knuth, 1967

294.               I would love to speak a foreign language but I can’t. So I grew hair under my arms instead.

--Sue Kolinsky

295.               In the beginning the world was without form, and void. And God said “Let there be light.” And God separated the light from the dark. And did two loads of laundry.

--Kevin Krisciunas

296.               Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions; it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

--Irving Kristol

297.               My favorite novelization was “The Passion of the Christ”, except it had a lot of exposition about some people who weren’t even in the movie, and it was a bit preachy, but otherwise, A+ material.

--kthejoker, on Everything²

298.               How can you NOT know that Big Macs are fattening? The Big Mac is the international unit of measuring unhealthy food. Whenever they discover something is bad for you, they tell you how many Big Macs it’s worth.

--Cole Richards, in PvP by Scott Kurtz

299.               I found this job that I get to watch strippers a lot, but it pays negative 20 bucks an hour

                       --Greg Lavery, The Perfect Dark Elite

300.                   I’ve never liked backwards ideas. It always sounds like you’ve run out of forwards ideas.

--Gilson Lavis, former drummer with Squeeze

Quotes - Part Nineteen

251.                   In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

--Warren Hutcherson

252.                   The film “Capricorn One” was filmed entirely on a studio lot on the moon.

--Armando Ianucci

253.                   Friends come and go like waves of the ocean, but the true ones stick, like an octopus on your face.

--The Idealist

254.                   The next step will be for the colonists on Mars to throw off the hand of the United States. There will be this wonderful historical irony. When the people on Mars write a declaration of independence saying, “We hold these truths to be self-evident…”, the US will be rather pissed off.

--Eric Idle

255.                   When a human dies, there is a bridge they must cross to enter into heaven.  At the head of the bridge waits every animal that human encountered during their lifetime.  The animals, based on what they know of this person, decide which humans may cross the bridge… and which humans are turned away

--Indian legend

256.                   If you look at the top 10 grossing movies of all time, six of them are sci-fi (and the others have pirates, hobbits, and ogres… and, yes, a boat).

--io9

257.                   Physics has various space programs. Biology, when low-tech, is all about swimming with the dolphins, and when high-tech is about edging ever-closer to cloning something really cool, like a giant kangaroo. Soft sciences like sociology and psychology are just good excuses to study sex all the time. Chemistry is like cooking without ever being able to lick the bowl.

--io9

258.                   I make records so I can buy art.

--Jimmy Iovine to Jim Kerr after hearing lyrics to a new Simple Minds song.

259.                   If you don't understand the science, everything looks like magic.

--“The Irrational”

260.               No car chases in books, are there?

--Eddie Izzard, in his standup routine “Unrepeatable”

261.               THE MEEK: THEY WANT IT ALL

--Eddie Izzard, in his standup routine “Circle”

262.               So computers? I hear they basically break down to a bunch of ones and zeroes. I don’t know how that means I can see naked women on my screen, but God bless you people.

--Kevin James

263.               A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

--William James

264.               There is no emotion, there is peace.
There is no ignorance, there is knowledge.
There is no passion, there is serenity.
There is no chaos, there is harmony.
There is no death, there is the Force.

–The Jedi Code

265.               You’re basically killing each other to see who’s got the better imaginary friend.

--Rich Jeni on going to war over religion

266.               It’s very hard to maintain mental health, because so many coping strategies are based on the idea that your anxiety is unwarranted, and right now needs more of an, “Okay, extremely warranted, but you still gotta water the plant, or you’ll have fascism AND dead plants.”

--Cliff Jerrison

267.               A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. “You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?” she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, “I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too.”

--Jake Johansen

268.               If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: PRESIDENT CAN’T SWIM

--Lyndon B. Johnson

269.               Needs are a function of what other people have.

--Jones’ Principle

270.               Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

--F. P. Jones

271.               I like being alone.  I have control over my own space.  Therefore, in order to win me over, your presence has to be better than my solitude.  You’re not competing with another person, you are competing with my comfort zone.

--Horacio Jones

272.               Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day. Give him a religion, and he’ll starve to death while praying for a fish.

--Timothy Jones

273.               Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped.

–J.P. Jordan

274.               May you shelter in the palm of the Creator’s hand. The last embrace of the mother welcome you home.

--Borderland last rites, The Great Hunt, by Robert Jordan

275.               Till shade is gone, till water is gone, into the Shadow with teeth bared, screaming defiance with the last breath, to spit in Sightblinder’s eye on the Last Day.

--Aiel saying, The Wheel of Time series by Robert Jordan