Quotes - Thirty-Six

 1.                   The geek shall inherit the earth.

2.                   The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

3.                   Genghis Khan has got it going on;
His Mongol horde is a hundred thousand strong;
Xixia can't you see;
That Tangut is not for me?
I know it might be wrong;
But now I fight for Genghis Khan

4.                   Give a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

5.                   Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.  Teach a man to fish and he will go out and buy expensive fishing equipment, stupid looking clothes, a sports utility vehicle, travel 1,000 miles to the “hottest” fishing hole, and stand waist deep in cold water just so he can outsmart a fish.  (Average cost per fish: $395.68)

6.                   Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

7.                   Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won’t bother you for weeks.

8.                   Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

9.                   Going to church does not make you a Christian any more than going to McDonald’s makes you a hamburger.

10.               Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.

11.               Good students don’t “cheat” – they verify.

12.               The good thing about science is that it’s true whether or not you believe in it.

13.               Gravity doesn’t exist, the Earth sucks.

14.               Growing up in California, weather was something that happened to other people, like meteor strikes or cholera.

15.               The gulf of meaning between the terms “horse play” and “pony play” illustrates why expecting your culture’s translation of another’s ancient texts to be 100% true to their original intent is dangerous and probably not a good idea.

16.               Guns don’t kill people, they just make it easier

17.               Half of the people in the world are below average.

18.               Ham and Eggs: Just a day’s work for a chicken but a lifetime commitment for a pig.

19.               A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.

20.               Hang up and drive.

21.               Happiness is an automatic weapon with a belt feed

22.               Happiness is defined by one’s capacity for enjoyment

23.               Has advanced audio technology completely bypassed the fast food drive-through?

24.               Have You Flogged Your Crew Today?

25.               He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead.

26.               He who puts his nose to the grindstone is a bloody fool.

27.               Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D’etat!

28.               Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

29.               Help support helpless victims of computer error.

30.               Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

31.               The helper seeks to help because he knows what it is to be helpless.

32.               Her kisses left something to be desired – the rest of her.

33.               Hermits have no peer pressure.

34.               Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS

35.               A high IQ is like a Jeep; you will still get stuck, just farther from help.

36.               Home is where you are @

37.               Honesty is like an icicle; once it melts, that’s the end of it.

38.               Honk if you love peace and quiet.

39.               How can I love you if you won’t lie down?

40.               How can I miss you if you won’t go away?

41.               How can there be self‑help groups?

42.               How come you don’t ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis‑ing them anyhow?

43.               How do I set my laser printer on stun?

44.               How do you know when it’s time to tune your bagpipes?

45.               How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

46.               How is it possible to have a civil war?

47.               How much sin can I get away with and still go to heaven?

48.               The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity, the rest is overhead for the operating system.

Quotes - Part Thirty-Five

 1.                   The E‑mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

2.                   E‑mail returned to sender – insufficient voltage.

3.                   The easy way is always mined.

4.                   Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway.

5.                   Education helps earning capacity. Ask any college professor.

6.                   The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.

7.                   The enemy of my enemy is my ally… The friend of my enemy is an unwitting dupe.

8.                   Enter any 11‑digit prime number to continue…

9.                   Entropy is a wavicle.

10.               Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

11.               Eschew Obfuscation.

12.               Ethernet (n): something used to catch the ether-bunny

13.               Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

14.               Every four seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this woman and stop her.

15.               Every July 20^th we salute the 400,000 people involved in faking six moon landings, and for keeping their mouths shut for over 50 years.

16.               Every once in a while, declare peace. It confuses the hell out of your enemies.

17.               Everybody keeps saying that women are smarter than men, but did you ever see a man wearing a shirt that buttons down the back?

18.               Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.

19.               Excuse me for butting in, but I’m interrupt‑driven.

20.               Faith and purity are inadequate substitutes for Kevlar and good cover.

21.               Fashion is all about eventually becoming naked.

22.               Fax is stranger than fiction.

23.               File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

24.               Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

25.               Follow your dream! Unless it’s the one where you’re at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

26.               The food that you get in art museums is institutional revenge for the art that you get in restaurants.

27.               A fool and his money are soon partying.

28.               Football has as much to do with Education as Bullfighting has to Agriculture.

29.               For Sale: Parachute. Used once, Never opened, Slightly stained.

30.               A Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but mean your mother.

31.               A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don’t have to go. You’ll just be walking down the street and… oohh, that’s much better.

32.               Friends don’t let friends drive naked.

33.               Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

34.               Friendzone: A woman has a close male friend.  This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much.  She sees him strictly as a friend.  This always starts out, “You’re a great guy, but I don’t like you in that way.”  This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, “You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we’re not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants.  But, we’re going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic.  And if he doesn’t work out, we’ll hire somebody else, but still not you.  In fact, we will never hire you.  But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.”

35.               The future isn’t what it used to be.

Quotes - Part Thirty-Four

 

1.                   Dare to keep the CIA off Drugs.

2.                   Dating me is like biting into an oatmeal raisin cookie and realizing it’s chocolate chip, and then realizing two hours later it was also an edible.

3.                   A day without fusion is like a day without sunshine.

4.                   A day without sunshine is like night.

5.                   Demographically, Florida is the only state that gets more Northern the further south you go. By the time you get to Ft. Lauderdale, you’re back in New York.

6.                   Demons are a Ghoul’s best Friend.

7.                   Depart not from the path which fate has you assigned.

8.                   Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

9.                   The difference between northern zoos and southern ones is that along with the little sign giving the Latin name of the critter, the southern ones give a recipe.

10.               Diplomacy is letting them have it your way.

11.               Diplomacy: The ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they actually look forward to the trip.

12.               Disappointed to learn that Kenny Loggins’ Christmas album is called “December” and not “Highway to the Manger Zone”.

13.               Discrimination against tentacled things makes baby Cthulhu cry.

14.               Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.

15.               Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

16.               Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

17.               Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger.

18.               Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.

19.               Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

20.               Do radioactive cats have 18 half‑lives?

21.               Do what you did when you were a kid: fly a kite, go fishing, hunt a dinosaur.

22.               Do you know how hard it is to write a useful, edifying sermon when you’ve got “Don’t You Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me” stuck in your head?

23.               Do you know that if all the smokers were laid end to end around the world, three quarters of them would drown?

24.               Do you know what’s odd? Fifteen.

25.               Does fuzzy logic tickle?

26.               Does the noise in my head bother you?

27.               Don’t be so open‑minded; your brains will fall out.

28.               Don’t look conspicuous, it draws fire.

29.               Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

30.               Don’t think of organ donations as giving up part of yourself to keep a total stranger alive. It’s really a total stranger giving up almost all of themselves to keep part of you alive.

31.               A dozen, a gross, and a score, plus three times the square root of four, divided by seven, plus nine times eleven, equals nine squared plus zero, no more.

32.               Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.

33.               During the heat of the space race in the 1960’s, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of about $1 million U.S. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on Earth. The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.

Quotes - Part Thirty-Three

 

1.                   Backups? We don’ need no steenking backups.

2.                   Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay…

3.                   A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

4.                   The beatings will continue until morale improves.

5.                   Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

6.                   Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

7.                   Being famous on the internet is a lot like being the prettiest waitress at IHOP. No-one really gives a shit.

8.                   The best defense is to stay out of range.

9.                   Best file compression around: “DEL *.*” = 100% compression

10.               The best way to a man’s heart is to saw his breast plate open.

11.               Black holes are where God divided by zero.

12.               BREAKFAST.COM Halted… Cereal Port Not Responding

13.               Budget: A method for going broke methodically.

14.               Bull fighting would be a sport if the matador dressed in red clothing and had no weapons.

15.               C:\ > Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

16.               C:\ is the root of all directories.

17.               C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN

18.               Calling Chuck Jones a simple animator, is like calling Gregor Mendel a humble pea farmer.

19.               A camel is a horse designed by committee.

20.               Can you imagine an imaginary menagerie manager? Can you imagine managing an imaginary menagerie?

21.               Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to Germany. That’s because they surrendered to the British.

22.               Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.

23.               Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.

24.               Ceraunophile – n. – a person who loves lightning and thunder; a lover of thunderstorms

25.               Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

26.               College: The fountains of knowledge where everyone goes to drink.

27.               A college professor is someone smart enough to get a Ph.D., but too crazy to make a living.

28.               Computer: A device designed to speed and automate errors.

29.               A computer’s attention span is as long as its power cord.

30.               Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

31.               Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

32.               A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

33.               CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re‑boot Washington D.C. (Y/N)?

34.               Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

35.               Constant use will wear out anything… especially friends.

36.               Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.

37.               Cover me. I’m changing lanes

38.               Cwtch: (Welsh) n. – More than a cuddle or a hug, when you give someone a cwtch, you figuratively give them a “safe place.”