Quotes - Part Thirty-One

 So this is that last of the attributed quotes.  Next posts will be unknown.

638.                   Education is not the filling of a pail but the lighting of a flame.

--Yeates

639.                   Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong liked to do a thing where they’d tell unfunny jokes at parties about being on the moon, and when people were confused, they’d go, “Guess you had to have been there.”

--@zachsanomaiy

640.                   Any time you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing you do will be wrong.

--Zall’s First Law

641.                   How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom door you’re on.

--Zall’s Second Law

642.                   So, with your long hair, I guess that makes you a woman.

--Joe Pine (60’s talk show host who sported a wooden leg) to Frank Zappa

So, with your wooden leg, I guess that makes you a table.

--Frank Zappa’s response

643.                   I think that if you wanted to make top ten hits and sell millions of records you could.

--Interviewer

Yeah, but who wants to go through life with a tiny nose and one glove on.

--Frank Zappa

644.                   In the beginning was a word I cannot pronounce.

--Merlin, Knight of Shadows, Roger Zelazny

645.                   Positing infinity, the rest is easy.

--Roger Zelazny

646.                   Somewhere it is always raining. Controlled or artificial, somewhere it is always raining, any time you care to think of it. Always remember that, if you can.

--Roger Zelazny

647.               Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless applying for the job of umpire.

--Dan Zevin

648.               Being a science writer is harder than being a sports writer, because sports writers don’t have to deal with people who think that basketball doesn’t even exist.

--Carl Zimmer

649.               The most devastating thing though that biology did to Christianity was their discovery of biological evolution.  Now that we know that Adam and Ever never were real people, the central myth of Christianity is destroyed.  If there never was an Adam and Eve, there never was original sin.  If there never was original sin, there is no need for salvation.  If there is no need for salvation, there is no need of a savior.  And I submit that puts Jesus, historical or otherwise, into the ranks of the unemployed.  I think that evolution is absolutely the death knell of Christianity.

--Frank Zindler

650.               If you keep this up, I’ll use the Geneva Convention as a to-do list.

--Zoinkscoobz

651.               Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

--Carl Zwanzig

Quotes - Part Thirty

 Today, starring Steven Wright

595.                   Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

--Steven Wright

596.                   For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

--Steven Wright

597.                   I bought a house on a dead‑end road; it’s one‑way coming out. I still can’t figure out how I got there.

--Steven Wright

598.                   I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

--Steven Wright

599.                   I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included. So I had to buy them again.

--Steven Wright

600.                   I bought some powdered water, but I didn’t know what to add.

--Steven Wright

601.                   I brought a mirror to Lovers’ Lane. I told everybody I was Narcissus.

--Steven Wright

602.                   I got up one morning and couldn’t find my socks, so I called Information. “Hello, Information.” I said, “I can’t find my socks.” She said, “They’re behind the couch.”

--Steven Wright

603.                   I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it?

--Steven Wright

604.               I have a switch in my apartment that doesn’t do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said, “Cut it out!”

--Steven Wright

605.               I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer, I get lost.

--Steven Wright

606.               I have an answering machine in my car. It says, “I’m home now, but leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.”

--Steven Wright

607.               I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

--Steven Wright

608.               I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, “Have you got anything I’d like?” Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, “Extra medium.”

--Steven Wright

609.               I prefer to describe my profession as that of a “Contemporary Anthropological Interactive Observer” because it has just the right amount of flair. Besides, “stalker” is such an ugly word.

--Steven Wright

610.               I put black electrical tape on all my mirrors so I don’t accidentally walk into another dimension.

--Steven Wright

611.               I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

--Steven Wright

612.               I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I’m the only one moving.

--Steven Wright

613.               I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

--Steven Wright

614.               I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

--Steven Wright

615.               I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, “I don’t understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.” I said, “Oops…”

--Steven Wright

616.               I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.

--Steven Wright

617.               I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, “Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?” “Yes, officer, but I wasn’t planning to be out that long.”

--Steven Wright

618.               I went to a general store but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.

--Steven Wright

619.               I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast any time.” So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

--Steven Wright

620.               I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

--Steven Wright

621.               I wrote a song, but I can’t read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think, “Hey, maybe I wrote that.”

--Steven Wright

622.               I’m addicted to placebos. I’d give them up, but it wouldn’t make any difference.

--Steven Wright

623.               If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.

--Steven Wright

624.               It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

--Steven Wright

625.               It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it.

--Steven Wright

626.               My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides. He’s in a minimum security prison now; he’s on a whiffle‑ball and chain.

--Steven Wright

627.              My girlfriend’s weird. One day she asked me, “If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?” I said, “No.” She said, “Okay, forget it.”

--Steven Wright

628.               My high school colors were transparent. “I’m not naked, I’m in the band.”

--Steven Wright

629.               On the other hand, you have different fingers.

--Steven Wright

630.               One day I came home and accidentally put my car key into the door of my house. It fit, so I started it up, and drove around the block a few times. A policeman pulled me over and said, “Where do you live?” I said, “Right here.” Then I drove down the street, parked it, and yelled at everyone to get out of my driveway.

--Steven Wright

631.               One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read.”

--Steven Wright

632.               Right now, I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

--Steven Wright

633.               The judge asked, “What do you plead?” I said, “Insanity, your honor. Who in his right mind would park in the passing lane?”

--Steven Wright

634.               You can’t have everything… where would you put it?

--Steven Wright

635.               When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child… eventually.

--Steven Wright

636.               When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep well?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”

--Steven Wright

637.               Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

--Steven Wright

Quotes - Part Twenty-Nine

 

550.                   Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

--Mark Twain

551.                   I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him.

--Mark Twain

552.                   Sacred cows make the best hamburger.

--Mark Twain

553.                   Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

--Mark Twain

554.                   We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it – and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove‑lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove‑lid again – and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.

--Mark Twain

555.                   Ever consider what [dogs] must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we’re the greatest hunters on earth!

--Anne Tyler

556.                   In dog years, I’m dead.

--Unknown

557.                   The greatest song written was conjured by an Italian for a scene in a Western filmed in Spain where a Polish man pretending to be a Mexican bandit does a gay little run through a graveyard for three and a half minutes uninterrupted.

--Unknown

558.                   The perfect guy is not the one who has the most money, or the most handsome one you’ll meet.  He is the one who knows how to make you smile and will take care of you each and every day until the end of time.

--Unknown

559.               Postulated: the first few seconds of “Under Pressure” / “Ice, Ice, Baby” is the Schrodinger’s Cat of the music world.

--Unknown

560.               Surround yourself with people who fight for you in rooms you aren’t in.

--Unknown

561.               That mountain you’ve been carrying, you were only supposed to climb.

--Unknown

562.               Welcome home!  In your absence, you were missed.  Now that you have returned, though, things are all right.  Let us begin living again.

--Unknown

563.               First they came for the verbs, and I said nothing because verbing weirds language. Then they arrival for the nouns, and I speech nothing because I no verbs.

--Usenet

564.               If it weren’t for physics and law enforcement, I’d be unstoppable.

--Usenet

565.               Life is a whole series of circumstances beyond your control.

--Van Roy’s Truism

566.               Sports makes higher education palatable for students who do not belong.

--Veblen

567.               Evil is not a philosophy. It is neither a means nor an end. It is an attitude and a lifestyle. Make no excuses. Support no ideology. Never explain. You’re evil. Just do it.

--Commodore Vierundsechzig, “Villain Supply”

568.               It is an infantile superstition of the human spirit that virginity would be thought a virtue and not the barrier that separates ignorance from knowledge.

--Voltaire

569.               A hundred bucks for sunglasses! They better be able to see through clothes, or you got hella ripped off.

--Wackypants, “PD Central”

570.               You have to regard everything I say with suspicion. I may be trying to bullshit you, or I may just be bullshitting you inadvertently.

--J. Wainwright, Mathematics 140b

571.               Never invest in something that violates a conservation law.

--John Walker

572.               Aristotle was not Belgian. The central tenet of Buddhism is not, “Every man for himself.” And the London Underground is not a political movement. Those are all mistakes, Otto. I looked them up.

--Wanda (Jamie Lee Curtis), A Fish Called Wanda

573.               People who can’t distinguish between etymology and entomology bug me in ways I cannot put into words.

--Tal Waterhouse

574.               We need to make books cool again. If you go home with somebody and they don't have books, don't fuck them.

--John Waters

575.               If you can’t control your peanut butter, how can you expect to control your life?

--Calvin in “Calvin and Hobbes” by Bill Watterson

576.               The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

-- Calvin in “Calvin and Hobbes” by Bill Watterson

577.               When the globe is covered with a net of railroads and telegraph wires, this net will render services comparable to those of the nervous system in the human body, partly as a means of transport, partly as a means for the propagation of ideas and sensations with the speed of lightning.

--Wilhelm Weber, 1835

578.               Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

--H.G. Wells

579.               Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

--Mae West

580.               I don’t know what’s scarier, losing a nuclear weapon or that it happens so often there’s actually a term for it.

--Frank Whaley, “Broken Arrow”

581.               Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck.

--Joss Whedon

582.               It is not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.

--Phil White

583.               The Vulcan Neck Pinch is not half as powerful as the Vulcan Groin Kick, but it’s more politically correct.

--William White

584.               I’m really excited to wait 18 weeks to see who the Patriots beat in the Super Bowl.

--@whitememjesus

585.               Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.

--Dennis Wholey

586.               Never love anybody who treats you like you’re ordinary.

–Oscar Wilde

587.               There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance.

--William’s Law

588.               You have a cough? Go home tonight, and eat a whole box of Ex‑Lax, tomorrow you’ll be afraid to cough.

--Pearl Williams

589.               I was at a German talk show once (and they asked) "Why do you think there isn't so much comedy in Germany?" And I said: "Did you ever think you killed all the funny people?"

–Robin Williams

590.               Under the present brutal and primitive conditions on this planet, every person you meet should be regarded as one of the walking wounded.  We have never seen a man or woman not slightly deranged by either anxiety or grief.  We have never seen a totally sane human being.

--Robert Anton Wilson

591.               Never murder a man when he’s busy committing suicide.

--Woodrow Wilson

592.               I think ‑ therefore I’m single.

--Lizz Winstead

593.               Guys are lucky because they get to grow mustaches. I wish I could. It’s like having a little pet for your face.

--Anita Wise

594.               In my day, we didn’t have virtual reality. If a one‑eyed razorback barbarian warrior was chasing you with an ax, you just had to hope you could outrun him.

--Sarah M. Wolford, Hanover