Today, starring Steven Wright
595.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a
suspect.
--Steven Wright
596.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier.
I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
--Steven Wright
597.
I bought a house on a dead‑end road; it’s one‑way
coming out. I still can’t figure out how I got there.
--Steven Wright
598.
I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish.
I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could
only stutter in Spanish.
--Steven Wright
599.
I bought some batteries, but they weren’t
included. So I had to buy them again.
--Steven Wright
600.
I bought some powdered water, but I didn’t know
what to add.
--Steven Wright
601.
I brought a mirror to Lovers’ Lane. I told
everybody I was Narcissus.
--Steven Wright
602.
I got up one morning and couldn’t find my socks,
so I called Information. “Hello, Information.” I said, “I can’t find my socks.”
She said, “They’re behind the couch.”
--Steven Wright
603.
I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest
collection of seashells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world.
Maybe you’ve seen some of it?
--Steven Wright
604.
I have a switch in my apartment that doesn’t do
anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. One day I got a call from
a woman in France who said, “Cut it out!”
--Steven Wright
605. I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer, I get lost.
--Steven Wright
606.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, “I’m
home now, but leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.”
--Steven Wright
607.
I installed a skylight in my apartment. The
people who live above me are furious.
--Steven Wright
608.
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out
salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, “Have you got anything
I’d like?” Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, “Extra medium.”
--Steven Wright
609. I prefer to describe my profession as that of a “Contemporary Anthropological Interactive Observer” because it has just the right amount of flair. Besides, “stalker” is such an ugly word.
--Steven Wright
610.
I put black electrical tape on all my mirrors so
I don’t accidentally walk into another dimension.
--Steven Wright
611. I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
--Steven Wright
612. I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I’m the only one moving.
--Steven Wright
613.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
--Steven Wright
614.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot
cards. I got a full house and four people died.
--Steven Wright
615.
I turned my air conditioner the other way around,
and it got cold out. The weatherman said, “I don’t understand it. It was
supposed to be 80 degrees out today.” I said, “Oops…”
--Steven Wright
616.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You
couldn’t park anywhere near the place.
--Steven Wright
617.
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a
cop who said, “Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?” “Yes,
officer, but I wasn’t planning to be out that long.”
--Steven Wright
618.
I went to a general store but they wouldn’t let
me buy anything specific.
--Steven Wright
619.
I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast any
time.” So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
--Steven Wright
620.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.
--Steven Wright
621.
I wrote a song, but I can’t read music. Every
time I hear a new song on the radio, I think, “Hey, maybe I wrote that.”
--Steven Wright
622. I’m addicted to placebos. I’d give them up, but it wouldn’t make any difference.
--Steven Wright
623.
If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of
the precipitate.
--Steven Wright
624.
It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s
always room temperature.
--Steven Wright
625.
It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it.
--Steven Wright
626. My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides. He’s in a minimum security prison now; he’s on a whiffle‑ball and chain.
--Steven Wright
627. My girlfriend’s weird. One day she asked me, “If
you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?” I
said, “No.” She said, “Okay, forget it.”
--Steven Wright
628.
My high school colors were transparent. “I’m not
naked, I’m in the band.”
--Steven Wright
629. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
--Steven Wright
630.
One day I came home and accidentally put my car
key into the door of my house. It fit, so I started it up, and drove around the
block a few times. A policeman pulled me over and said, “Where do you live?” I
said, “Right here.” Then I drove down the street, parked it, and yelled at
everyone to get out of my driveway.
--Steven Wright
631.
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop
sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t
believe everything I read.”
--Steven Wright
632.
Right now, I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten
this before.
--Steven Wright
633. The judge asked, “What do you plead?” I said, “Insanity, your honor. Who in his right mind would park in the passing lane?”
--Steven Wright
634.
You can’t have everything… where would you put it?
--Steven Wright
635.
When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the
backyard. I was an only child… eventually.
--Steven Wright
636.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked
me, “Did you sleep well?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
--Steven Wright
637.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because
of that song?
--Steven Wright
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