The Pain of Chapter 2

I won't expound on the title beyond saying that if you have not yet read Terry Pratchett's The Shepherd's Crown, then make sure someone you love is in the room with you when you do.

I started reading this book this morning.  It's been difficult emotionally.  I read some more this evening, and it hasn't gotten much easier.

While I was laying in bed trying to sleep and the tears kept coming, a thought came to me that while many famous people, important people in my fandom, have died that it all means something more to me.

Robin Williams taking his own life was a life ending much too soon.  It was depriving me (and us) of someone who has been entertaining me since "Mork & Mindy".  He had made me laugh through multiple comedy albums and movies.  And now, he's gone.

Leonard Nimoy died, and while it hurt and I thought it was sad, I thought more of the people close to him who were hurting the most: his family and, of course, William Shatner, who had lost a very close friend.

And then Terry Pratchett died and I was without my favorite author.  He was an writer whose books I have been reading for almost 30 years.  He was sick at the end, fighting a disease with no cure.  And now I'm reading possibly the last work of his that the world will ever see.

And what else has happened in this last year?  

Friends have gotten divorces.  Other friendships that were so amazing and fulfilling have been cut off.

And then there's the big news that most of you already know.  A little less than a year ago, my mom was been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.  She's beaten the odds so far and looks to break through the one year mark when she had been given only six months.  But we're still afraid, and we're still sad.

And so I come to this book, and this chapter, and I am devastated.  Because of all that has come before, and all that lays before me, and all that is happening now.

The Dark

Last night as I was refilling my water bottle for the night, I looked out at the sitting room window, and was practically overcome with fear that something was going to come through the window. It didn't take me long to get over it, not anywhere near as long as when I wake up after a nightmare, or two nights after seeing Blair Witch and hearing noises outside.

Say what you want about Alien vs. Predator - Requiem, but it had several scenes that stick with me. The worst one in my mind is when the little girl calls for her dad to say that there's a monster outside her window. The dad goes and looks and out of the complete darkness a xenomorph almost fades in, seen only by the shine on its carapace and teeth.

That is my kind of fear.

Especially outside the dining room which is shaded from the light on the walk. At night it's really dark, and I can almost see someone hiding on the other side of my reflection. That's why that curtain remains pulled at night.

At least this is a describable fear. Even some in dreams or nightmares make sense: the shark in the giant indoor swimming pool; the bear in the woods behind the house. Then others are less tangible: the free moving silhouette with glowing eyes, the large-skulled dog that makes everything go black and white, and whose laughter I hear in my head. The worst are the ones that make no sense whatsoever, and yet are terrifying in the moment, like three baboons on mini-bikes in a Chinatown market.

Keep that one form tweaking with your brain.