Quotes - Part Thirty-Three

 

1.                   Backups? We don’ need no steenking backups.

2.                   Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay…

3.                   A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

4.                   The beatings will continue until morale improves.

5.                   Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

6.                   Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

7.                   Being famous on the internet is a lot like being the prettiest waitress at IHOP. No-one really gives a shit.

8.                   The best defense is to stay out of range.

9.                   Best file compression around: “DEL *.*” = 100% compression

10.               The best way to a man’s heart is to saw his breast plate open.

11.               Black holes are where God divided by zero.

12.               BREAKFAST.COM Halted… Cereal Port Not Responding

13.               Budget: A method for going broke methodically.

14.               Bull fighting would be a sport if the matador dressed in red clothing and had no weapons.

15.               C:\ > Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

16.               C:\ is the root of all directories.

17.               C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN

18.               Calling Chuck Jones a simple animator, is like calling Gregor Mendel a humble pea farmer.

19.               A camel is a horse designed by committee.

20.               Can you imagine an imaginary menagerie manager? Can you imagine managing an imaginary menagerie?

21.               Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to Germany. That’s because they surrendered to the British.

22.               Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.

23.               Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.

24.               Ceraunophile – n. – a person who loves lightning and thunder; a lover of thunderstorms

25.               Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

26.               College: The fountains of knowledge where everyone goes to drink.

27.               A college professor is someone smart enough to get a Ph.D., but too crazy to make a living.

28.               Computer: A device designed to speed and automate errors.

29.               A computer’s attention span is as long as its power cord.

30.               Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

31.               Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

32.               A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

33.               CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re‑boot Washington D.C. (Y/N)?

34.               Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

35.               Constant use will wear out anything… especially friends.

36.               Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.

37.               Cover me. I’m changing lanes

38.               Cwtch: (Welsh) n. – More than a cuddle or a hug, when you give someone a cwtch, you figuratively give them a “safe place.”

Quotes - Part Thirty-Two

 

1.                   … about as funny as roman candles on a birthday cake.

2.                   2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.

3.                   6 multiplied by 9 equals 42… in base 13.

4.                   668: The Neighbor of the Beast

5.                   98% of all statistics are made up.

6.                   Academy: School where football is taught.

7.                   According to my calculations, the problem doesn’t exist.

8.                   After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?

9.                   After taking the test and failing it three times, I thought to myself, “Maybe I’m not meant to be an I.Q.”

10.               Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

11.               Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.

12.               All computers wait at the same speed.

13.               All generalizations are false.

14.               All I want is a kind word, a warm bed, and unlimited power.

15.               All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

16.               All right then, we shall duel. Choose your weapon: swords or pistols. Swords? Fine, I choose pistols.

17.               Always try to do things in chronological order; it’s less confusing that way.

18.               Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

19.               Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

20.               An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.

21.               And out of the chaos spoke a voice to me saying, “Laugh and be happy. It could be worse.” So I laughed and was happy. And it got worse.

22.               Any player who quotes from “Monty Python and the Quest for the Holy Grail” during a gaming session should be made to eat their own character sheet.

23.               Anything that is designed to do more than one thing can’t do any of them well.

24.               Anything that is not nailed down, is mine. Anything that I can pry loose is not nailed down.

25.               Anything you can do can get you shot, including nothing.

26.               Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.

27.               As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

28.               As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

29.               As you approach 4.0, study time approaches infinity.

30.               As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I’m doing or why you’re paying me so much money. What’s important is that you continue to do so.

31.               Assassins do it from behind.

32.               Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those people who can’t remember where they leave things.

33.               At first, I was opposed to the so-called satellite mind-control transmissions…

34.               Atheism is a non‑prophet organization.

35.               Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog.

--Dorothy.

Quotes - Part Thirty-One

 So this is that last of the attributed quotes.  Next posts will be unknown.

638.                   Education is not the filling of a pail but the lighting of a flame.

--Yeates

639.                   Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong liked to do a thing where they’d tell unfunny jokes at parties about being on the moon, and when people were confused, they’d go, “Guess you had to have been there.”

--@zachsanomaiy

640.                   Any time you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing you do will be wrong.

--Zall’s First Law

641.                   How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom door you’re on.

--Zall’s Second Law

642.                   So, with your long hair, I guess that makes you a woman.

--Joe Pine (60’s talk show host who sported a wooden leg) to Frank Zappa

So, with your wooden leg, I guess that makes you a table.

--Frank Zappa’s response

643.                   I think that if you wanted to make top ten hits and sell millions of records you could.

--Interviewer

Yeah, but who wants to go through life with a tiny nose and one glove on.

--Frank Zappa

644.                   In the beginning was a word I cannot pronounce.

--Merlin, Knight of Shadows, Roger Zelazny

645.                   Positing infinity, the rest is easy.

--Roger Zelazny

646.                   Somewhere it is always raining. Controlled or artificial, somewhere it is always raining, any time you care to think of it. Always remember that, if you can.

--Roger Zelazny

647.               Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless applying for the job of umpire.

--Dan Zevin

648.               Being a science writer is harder than being a sports writer, because sports writers don’t have to deal with people who think that basketball doesn’t even exist.

--Carl Zimmer

649.               The most devastating thing though that biology did to Christianity was their discovery of biological evolution.  Now that we know that Adam and Ever never were real people, the central myth of Christianity is destroyed.  If there never was an Adam and Eve, there never was original sin.  If there never was original sin, there is no need for salvation.  If there is no need for salvation, there is no need of a savior.  And I submit that puts Jesus, historical or otherwise, into the ranks of the unemployed.  I think that evolution is absolutely the death knell of Christianity.

--Frank Zindler

650.               If you keep this up, I’ll use the Geneva Convention as a to-do list.

--Zoinkscoobz

651.               Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

--Carl Zwanzig

Quotes - Part Thirty

 Today, starring Steven Wright

595.                   Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

--Steven Wright

596.                   For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

--Steven Wright

597.                   I bought a house on a dead‑end road; it’s one‑way coming out. I still can’t figure out how I got there.

--Steven Wright

598.                   I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

--Steven Wright

599.                   I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included. So I had to buy them again.

--Steven Wright

600.                   I bought some powdered water, but I didn’t know what to add.

--Steven Wright

601.                   I brought a mirror to Lovers’ Lane. I told everybody I was Narcissus.

--Steven Wright

602.                   I got up one morning and couldn’t find my socks, so I called Information. “Hello, Information.” I said, “I can’t find my socks.” She said, “They’re behind the couch.”

--Steven Wright

603.                   I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it?

--Steven Wright

604.               I have a switch in my apartment that doesn’t do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said, “Cut it out!”

--Steven Wright

605.               I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer, I get lost.

--Steven Wright

606.               I have an answering machine in my car. It says, “I’m home now, but leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.”

--Steven Wright

607.               I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

--Steven Wright

608.               I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, “Have you got anything I’d like?” Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, “Extra medium.”

--Steven Wright

609.               I prefer to describe my profession as that of a “Contemporary Anthropological Interactive Observer” because it has just the right amount of flair. Besides, “stalker” is such an ugly word.

--Steven Wright

610.               I put black electrical tape on all my mirrors so I don’t accidentally walk into another dimension.

--Steven Wright

611.               I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

--Steven Wright

612.               I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I’m the only one moving.

--Steven Wright

613.               I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

--Steven Wright

614.               I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

--Steven Wright

615.               I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, “I don’t understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.” I said, “Oops…”

--Steven Wright

616.               I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.

--Steven Wright

617.               I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, “Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?” “Yes, officer, but I wasn’t planning to be out that long.”

--Steven Wright

618.               I went to a general store but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.

--Steven Wright

619.               I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast any time.” So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

--Steven Wright

620.               I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

--Steven Wright

621.               I wrote a song, but I can’t read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think, “Hey, maybe I wrote that.”

--Steven Wright

622.               I’m addicted to placebos. I’d give them up, but it wouldn’t make any difference.

--Steven Wright

623.               If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.

--Steven Wright

624.               It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is; it’s always room temperature.

--Steven Wright

625.               It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it.

--Steven Wright

626.               My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides. He’s in a minimum security prison now; he’s on a whiffle‑ball and chain.

--Steven Wright

627.              My girlfriend’s weird. One day she asked me, “If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?” I said, “No.” She said, “Okay, forget it.”

--Steven Wright

628.               My high school colors were transparent. “I’m not naked, I’m in the band.”

--Steven Wright

629.               On the other hand, you have different fingers.

--Steven Wright

630.               One day I came home and accidentally put my car key into the door of my house. It fit, so I started it up, and drove around the block a few times. A policeman pulled me over and said, “Where do you live?” I said, “Right here.” Then I drove down the street, parked it, and yelled at everyone to get out of my driveway.

--Steven Wright

631.               One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read.”

--Steven Wright

632.               Right now, I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

--Steven Wright

633.               The judge asked, “What do you plead?” I said, “Insanity, your honor. Who in his right mind would park in the passing lane?”

--Steven Wright

634.               You can’t have everything… where would you put it?

--Steven Wright

635.               When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child… eventually.

--Steven Wright

636.               When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep well?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”

--Steven Wright

637.               Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

--Steven Wright