1. Sarcasm: the ability to insult idiots without them realizing it.
2.
Save the Save the Whale Foundation.
3.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
4.
Science flies you to the moon. Religion flies you
into buildings.
5.
Scrute the inscrutable, eff the ineffable.
6.
Sears says Kenmore appliances are found in one out
of two homes in America. I wonder which two homes they took the survey at?
7.
SENILE.COM found… Out Of Memory…
8.
She never looked nice. She looked like art, and art wasn’t supposed
to look nice; it was supposed to make you feel something.
9.
She’s human… well, she’s a lawyer, but reasonably
human.
10.
Shell to DOS… Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS…
11.
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue…
12.
Smokey the Bear says, “Strip mining prevents forest
fires.”
13.
So many stupid people, so few comets.
14.
So
this Irishman walks past a pub…
15.
So what’s the speed of dark?
16.
Some changes
can have unexpected consequences.
17.
Some infinities are bigger
than others.
18.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to
kill.
19.
Some students drink at the fountain of knowledge,
others just gargle.
20.
Sports:
The opposite of reading.
21.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but a hollow-point
.38 slug could take out my entire liver.
22.
A student who changes the course of history is
probably taking an exam.
23.
Studies have shown what makes the football season
so popular. It’s the only time of the year
when a fellow can walk down the street with a blonde on one arm and a blanket on
the other - and not encounter any raised eyebrows!
24.
A sucking chest wound is nature’s way of telling
you to slow down.
25.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
26.
Support bacteria ‑ they’re the only culture some people
have.
27.
Teaching STEM without teaching the Humanities is
how you get Spider-Man villains.
Teaching Theater without teaching the Humanities is how you get Batman
villains.
28.
Teamwork is essential, it gives the enemy someone
else to shoot at.
29.
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars, and he’ll
believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint, and he has to touch it.
30.
That which does not kill you only makes you stronger.
That which does kill you is no longer your problem.
31.
That which does not kill
you was simply not permitted to do so for the purposes of the plot.
32.
The
virtues of being punctual
are largely offset by having to wait for people who aren’t.
33.
The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.
34.
The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
35.
There are 10 kinds of people: those that know binary,
and those that don’t.
36.
There are three kinds of people: those who can count
and those who can’t.
37.
There is intelligent life on Earth, but I’m just visiting.
38.
There is no problem so large that it cannot be solved
with a suitable application of high explosives.
39.
There is no time like the present for postponing what
you ought to be doing.
40.
There was some brilliant work done with rats, which
makes it scientific.
41.
There will be no crisis next week; my schedule is
already full!
42.
There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing
on the shore like an idiot.
43.
There’s a large amount of evidence saying that the
man’s point of view is largely irrelevant.
44.
There’s no place like http://www.home.com
45.
There’s nothing more restful than taking orders from
fools.
46.
There’s too much blood in my caffeine system.
47.
They deem me mad because I
will not sell my days for gold; and I deem them mad because they think my days
have a price.
48.
They’ve
got drive‑by shootings in
49.
This
reaction calls for hydrochloric acid, but we can’t afford that, so you’re just gonna drink
the reagents.
50.
This statement cannot be
proven!
51.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who
don’t.
52.
Three
words: poor numeracy
53.
To achieve the impossible, one must think the absurd;
to look where everyone else has looked, but to see what no one else has seen.
54.
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not
be able to say it.
55.
To err is human. To forgive is unusual.
56.
To George Carlin, the cup is too big.
To the engineer,
the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
To the ironist, the
glass is half full of air.
To the optimist,
the glass is half full.
To the pessimist,
the glass is half empty.
To the pragmatist,
the glass’ liquid contents are at 50% capacity.
To the psychoanalyst,
the cup is your mother.
The Zen master says,
“There is no cup.”
To the punk sitting
next to you, the cup is also your mother.
To the romance novelist,
the cup is a willing receptacle to the wild gushing torrents of pure passion from
the hard chiseled urn.
57.
Too many clicks spoil the browse.
58.
To this day, the most unrealistic things Disney
ever did was portray Zeus as a loving family man.
59.
The
topless beaches in
60.
A topologist is a man who doesn’t know the
difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.
61.
The trick is… not to suck.
62.
The trouble with finding your perfect soul mate
is that she would probably want to get married, then four weeks after the
wedding you would meet another perfect soul mate, with larger breasts.
63.
Try to look at the big picture… we’re all in it and
you’re not!
64.
Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
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