1.
Obviously the only rational solution to your problem
is suicide.
2.
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank
my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.
3.
Okay, who stopped payment on my reality check?
4.
The older you get, the better you realize you
were.
5.
On my first day of school, my parents dropped me off
at the wrong nursery. There I was surrounded by trees and bushes.
6.
Once I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.
7.
One advantage of being an elementary school teacher
as opposed to working as a high school teacher is that it’s easier to get a parking
space every morning.
8.
One nice thing about egotists: They don’t talk about
other people.
9.
One of the serious problems in planning against American
doctrine that the Americans do not read their manuals nor do they feel any obligations
to follow their doctrine.
10.
The only sense I can make out of having kids is it’s
a good way to become a grandparent.
11.
The only substitute for good manners is fast
reflexes.
12.
Only those who attempt the absurd can achieve the
impossible.
13.
The only thing more fun than getting laid is
getting laid again.
14.
Oregonians don’t tan, they rust.
15.
OS/2: The nightmare continues.
16.
The other day, I went to a tourist information
booth and asked, “Tell me about some of the people who were here last year.”
17.
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond
measure. It is our light, not our darkness
that most frightens us. You’re playing small
does not serve the world. There is nothing
enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine as children do.
It’s not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously
give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence
automatically liberates others.
18.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes
19.
PC’s should have next to the “Intel Inside” sticker,
an additional label that says, “Best if used by ____________”.
20.
People
are like Slinkys; they don’t really serve a purpose, but
you can’t help but laugh when one of them falls down the stairs.
21.
People who live in glass houses should not cavort
nude on top of the piano doing gorilla impersonations.
22.
A pessimist thinks that all women are bad; an
optimist hopes this is true.
23.
Pluviophile – n. – a person who finds calm, happiness,
and peace of mind in rain
24.
A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a
coordinate transform.
25.
Power means not having to respond.
26.
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit…
27.
Press any key… no, no, no, not that one!
28.
The probability of someone watching you is
proportional to the stupidity of your action.
29.
The problem with
30.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
31.
Professionals are predictable; it’s the amateurs who
are dangerous.
32.
A professor is one who talks in someone else’s
sleep.
33.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
34.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that somewhere, someone
may be happy.
35.
RAM disk is not an installation procedure.
36.
Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
37.
Reality is only what you make it to be. It takes your mind a hundredth of a second to comprehend
what is going on around you, so you are never living in reality.
38.
The relationship between hard rock geology and
soft rock geology can be compared to forestry and sawdust.
39.
The reason people ask questions is because you
can’t ask answers.
40.
The reason that every major university maintains
a department of mathematics is that it is cheaper to do this than to
institutionalize all those people.
41.
Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too
fast.
42.
Remember “I” before “E”, except in Budweiser.
43.
Remember, it’s not, “How high are you?” it’s, “Hi,
how are you?”
44.
Remember the sun never set on the
45.
A rose by any other name would stick you just as
bad and draw just as much blood when you grab a thorn.
46.
Roses are red,
Roses are blue,
Depending on their velocity
Relative to you.
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