1. The geek shall inherit the earth.
2.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
3.
Genghis Khan has got it going on;
His Mongol horde is a hundred thousand strong;
Xixia can't you see;
That Tangut is not for me?
I know it might be wrong;
But now I fight for Genghis Khan
4.
Give a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set
a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
5.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will go out and buy
expensive fishing equipment, stupid looking clothes, a sports utility vehicle, travel
1,000 miles to the “hottest” fishing hole, and stand waist deep in cold water just
so he can outsmart a fish. (Average cost
per fish: $395.68)
6.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach
him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
7.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach
him to use the Net and he won’t bother you for weeks.
8.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
9.
Going to church does not make you a Christian any
more than going to McDonald’s makes you a hamburger.
10.
Golf is a game invented by the same people who think
music comes out of a bagpipe.
11.
Good students don’t “cheat” – they verify.
12.
The good thing about science is that it’s true
whether or not you believe in it.
13.
Gravity doesn’t exist, the Earth sucks.
14.
Growing up in
15.
The gulf of meaning between the terms “horse
play” and “pony play” illustrates why expecting your culture’s translation of
another’s ancient texts to be 100% true to their original intent is dangerous
and probably not a good idea.
16.
Guns don’t kill people, they just make it easier
17.
Half of the people in the world are below average.
18.
Ham and Eggs: Just a day’s work for a chicken but
a lifetime commitment for a pig.
19.
A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard
near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up
to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.
20.
Hang up and drive.
21.
Happiness is an automatic weapon with a belt feed
22.
Happiness is defined by one’s capacity for enjoyment
23.
Has advanced audio technology completely bypassed
the fast food drive-through?
24.
Have You Flogged Your Crew Today?
25.
He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still
dead.
26.
He who puts his nose to the grindstone is a bloody
fool.
27.
Headline: Bear takes over
28.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which
one can die.
29.
Help support helpless victims of computer error.
30.
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
31.
The helper seeks to help because he knows what it
is to be helpless.
32.
Her kisses left something to be desired – the rest
of her.
33.
Hermits have no peer pressure.
34.
Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
35.
A high IQ is like a Jeep; you will still get
stuck, just farther from help.
36.
Home is where you are @
37.
Honesty is like an icicle; once it melts, that’s the
end of it.
38.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
39.
How can I love you if you won’t lie down?
40.
How can I miss you if you won’t go away?
41.
How can there be self‑help groups?
42.
How come you don’t ever hear about gruntled employees?
And who has been dis‑ing them anyhow?
43.
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
44.
How do you know when it’s time to tune your bagpipes?
45.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
46.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
47.
How much sin can I get away with and still go to heaven?
48.
The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten
percent of its capacity, the rest is overhead for the operating system.
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