Quotes - Part Ten

 

117.                   What you see but cannot see over is as good as infinite.

--Thomas Carlyle

118.                   If you aren’t sure which way to do something, do it both ways and see which works better.

--John Carmack

119.                   Note to self: pasty-skinned programmers ought not stand out in the Mojave desert for multiple hours.

--John Carmack

120.                   Maybe there is no actual place called Hell. Maybe Hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they’re eating sandwiches.

--Jim Carrey

121.                   As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life, so I became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls.

--Matt Cartmill

122.                   When you vote liberal, you are voting to teach children dinosaur propaganda.

--Ben Carson at the RNC

123.                   For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.

--Johnny Carson

124.                   A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad.

--Christopher Case

125.                   There’s so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?

--Dick Cavett, mocking the TV‑violence debate

126.               You cannot possess me for I belong to myself, but while we both wish it, I give you that which is mine to give.  You cannot command me, for I am a free person, but I shall serve you in those ways you require, and the honeycomb will taste sweeter coming from my hand.  I pledge to you that yours will be the name I cry aloud at night, and the eyes into which I smile in the morning.  I pledge to you the first bite from my meat, and the first drink from my cup.  I pledge to you my living and dying, equally in your care, and tell no strangers our grievances.  This is my wedding vow to you.  This is a marriage of equals.

Celtic marriage vows (traditional)

127.               The objection to fairy stories is that they tell children there are dragons. But children have always known there are dragons. Fairy stories tell children that dragons can be killed.

--G.K. Chesterton

128.               I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.

--Winston Churchill

129.               Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room.

--Winston Churchill

130.               There are over 6 billion people on the planet, and a lot of them suck.

--Derek Clark, the-elite.net

Quotes - Part Nine

So today, I bring you George Carlin. I remember heading to a party with my wife-to-be in Sacramento, and the radio said that George Carlin was going to be in concert that night in Sacramento.  We seriously thought about going, and soon after when we heard he died, we wished we had gone to see him.

I think missing seeing him is up there with the New Year's Eve double concert of Huey Lewis and the News & Tower of Power that I wish I had called in sick to while working at Sizzler are two of my biggest regrets.

But anyway, here's George:

100.                   Have you ever noticed that anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

--George Carlin

101.                   I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

--George Carlin

102.                   If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

--George Carlin

103.                   It is impossible to see accurately how you look in your sunglasses.

--George Carlin

104.                   The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

--George Carlin

105.                   Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

--George Carlin

106.                   Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

--George Carlin

107.                   The very existence of flame-throwers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”

--George Carlin

108.               Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits.

–George Carlin

109.               Some people see things that are and ask, “Why?” Some people dream of things that never were and ask, “Why not?” Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that.

--George Carlin

110.               I wanted to be a Boy Scout, but I had all the wrong traits. They were looking for kids who were trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent. Whereas I tended to be devious, fickle, obstructive, hostile, impolite, mean, defiant, glum, extravagant, dirty, and sacrilegious.

--George Carlin

111.               If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

--George Carlin

112.               May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

--George Carlin

113.               Religion has actually convinced people that there is an invisible man living in the sky, and he has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these things he will send you to a place full of fire, and smoke, and burn and torture forever and ever ‘til the end of time… But he loves you! And he needs money.

--George Carlin

114.               The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.

--George Carlin

115.               Those who dance are considered insane by those who can’t hear the music.

--George Carlin

116.               Tonight’s forecast: dark. Continuing dark throughout the night and turning to widely scattered light in the morning.

--George Carlin

Quotes - Part Eight

 

88.                   I don’t have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.

--Ashleigh Brilliant

89.                   Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.

--Ashleigh Brilliant

90.                   My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

--Ashleigh Brilliant

91.                   I am a vegetarian not because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

--A. Whitney Brown

92.                   The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it’s you.

--Rita Mae Brown

93.                   Lasers improve everything. Well, except Alderaan.

--Tim Buckley

94.                   That was Black Magic, and it was easy to use. Easy and fun. Like Legos.

--Jim Butcher, Fool Moon

95.                   Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

--Red Buttons

96.                   History does not always repeat itself. Sometimes it just yells, “Can’t you remember anything I told you?” and lets fly with a club.

--John W. Campbell

97.               Christians say not to practice witchcraft or astrology but celebrate the resurrection of a dead guy on the Sunday after the first full moon of the equinox.  And then they drink wine and bread as his blood and body, and chant over their animal sacrifices before they feast.

--@camwhiteastro

98.               When all else fails, read the instructions.

--Cann’s Axiom

99.               You can get further with a kind word and a gun than you can with just a kind word.

--Al Capone

Quotes - Part Seven

 

76.                   I have a great diet. You’re allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.

--Ed Bluestone

77.                   The neurodivergent experience is thinking you’re sharing fun, interesting, or helpful information in a normal human conversational fashion, while they think you’re an asshole lecturing them, or looking down at them like they’re stupid, and also that no matter how many times you have this experience, you always think you’re doing it the right way this time.

--@bogleech

78.                   A physicist is just an atom’s way of looking at itself.

--Niels Bohr

79.                   If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

--Derek Bok, president of Harvard

80.                   He thinks Roe v. Wade are options for crossing the Potomac.

--Julian Bond on Vice President Dan Quayle

81.                   I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

--Elayne Boosler

82.                   A person who can, within a year, solve x² ‑ 92y² = 1 is a mathematician.

--Brahmagupta

83.               Research is what I’m doing when I don’t know what I’m doing.

--Werner von Braun

84.               You can lead a yak to water, but you can’t teach an old dog to make a silk purse out of a pig in a poke.

Opus, “Bloom County” by Berkely Breathed

85.               Time is like a zombie, it moves slow as shit, but when you’re not looking, “Boo! Got your brains!”

--Jennie Breeden

86.               In an argument it’s not proving that you are right, but that the other person is wrong.

--Jason Bridges

87.               “Women are the bloodthirsty sex,” said Ric sadly. “We get the reputation, but it is only because the women stand behind us, and say, ‘Kill it. Squish it.’”

--Patricia Briggs, Hunting Ground

Quotes - Part Six

63.                   You know “quantitative analysis” is going to suck because it has the word “anal” in it.

--Drew Baxter

64.                   I don’t know what’s wrong with my television set. I was getting C‑Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman.

--Bruce Baum

65.                   MPAA call the internet going dark in protest of SOPA, “An abuse of power.”  In related news, the Eye of Sauron accuses Hobbits of terrorism.

--@beach_fox

66.                   Do you know how the Amish hunt? They sneak up on a deer and build a barn around it.

--Tim Bedore

67.                   A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.

--Robert Benchley

68.                   Any technology, which is distinguishable from magic, is insufficiently advanced.

--Gregory Benford

69.                   Sometimes you can observe a lot by watching.

--Yogi Berra

70.                   No wonder nobody comes here – it’s too crowded.

--Yogi Berra

71.                   You grasp the Zen of the Sniper. “Taking fire is not my job.”

--Doug Berry

72.               If you want to know why Gen Xers are always mad, it’s because we had to replace our record collection with a tape collection that was then replaced with a CD collection that was then replaced with MP3s.  And damn it, how many times must I pay to listen to grunge?

--@bewgtweets

73.               Never say anything on the phone that you wouldn’t want your mother to hear at your trial.

--Sydney Biddle Barrows, the “Mayflower Madam”

74.               Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of another.

--Ambrose Bierce, The Devil’s Dictionary

75.               I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

                        --A Bit of Fry and Laurie

Quotes - Part Five

Reading this group, I realize some of these can be dated.  Like #52, that I think I found around the time Disney was doing a lot of stranger sequels or semi-parallel direct to home movies.  Still, with the thought of the recordings he did that mean there could be an R-rated "Aladdin" this is still a nice little bit of head-canon.

51.                   Only decent girls keep a diary. The others don’t have the time.

--Tallulah Bankhead

52.                   I’m waiting for “Aladdin -.5: Robin Williams Just Talks to Himself in a Bottle”.

--Jon “Ngamer” Barber

53.                   If sweeping ice in front of a rock can become an Olympic event, why not moving your thumbs in front of a television?

--Jon Barber, The Perfect Dark Elite

54.                   Proofreading is more effective after publication.

--Barker

55.                   I think that the team that wins game five will win the series. Unless we lose game five.

--Charles Barkley

56.                   My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized that I had no character.

--Charles Barkley, on hearing Tonya Harding proclaim herself “the Charles Barkley of figure skating”

57.                   Americans who travel abroad for the first time are often shocked to discover that, despite all the progress that has been made in the last 30 years, many foreign people still speak in foreign languages.

--Dave Barry

58.                   Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.

--Dave Barry

59.                   If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base.

--Dave Barry

60.               Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

--Dave Barry

61.               Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

--Dave Barry

62.               Thus, the metric system did not really catch on in the United States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the 9-millimeter bullet.

--Dave Barry

Quotes - Part Four

 So #48 is taken from a book by Kage Baker.  It's said by a wife at the funeral of her husband.  I just found it beautiful.  kage Baker's writing tended to be pretty amazing all of the time.

34.                   People refer to “the good ol’ days”, but I don’t know what they’re talking about. As someone who’s battled cancer, if I lived more than 20 years ago, I’d be a dead man.

--Lance Armstrong

35.                   I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don’t intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

--Neil Armstrong

36.                   Not all construction work is equally enjoyable.  For example, enlarging a drilled hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal together is riveting.

--@aromanticduck

37.                   I believe in evidence. I believe in observation, measurement, and reasoning, confirmed by independent observers. I’ll believe anything, no matter how wild and ridiculous, if there is evidence for it.  The wilder and more ridiculous something is, however, the firmer and more solid the evidence will have to be.

--Isaac Asimov

38.                   The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not “Eureka!” (I’ve found it!), but “That’s funny…”

--Isaac Asimov

39.                   Theories are not so much wrong as incomplete.

--Isaac Asimov, The Relativity of Wrong

40.                   I’ve never understood Christianity’s obsession with homophobia.  Because if you read the 1,700-page bible. and think the main message is to hate gay people, you probably think the main message of Harry Potter is to not date Asians.

--Geoffrey Asmus

41.                   I’m sitting at the opera, and I’m thinking, “Look how much work it takes to bore me to tears.”

--Dave Attell

42.                   Some things just aren’t funny. Beatings aren’t funny. Mimes aren’t funny. But beating a mime… why is that so hilarious?

--Dave Attell

43.               I have this thing I call “The Two Rogers Rule of Manliness”: Basically, if Steve or Fred wouldn’t do it, neither should I.  It’s stupid, it’s simplistic, and it’s geeky, but it works.

--Greg B (@ak404)

44.               G: If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?

EB: Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area.

--BA4, Somewhere in No Man’s Land

45.               Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.

--Jim Backus

46.               The general root of superstition is that men observe when things hit, and not when they miss, and commit to memory the one, and pass over the other

--Francis Bacon

47.               If Paul saw the church in America, we’d be getting a letter.

--Chad Bailey

48.               Will you never open your eyes to me again? Once you walked with me in the long grass, where the lilies poked through and opened their bright throats, and the white mist was on the hillsides and concealed us when we lay down; and your eyes looked into mine.

Will you never speak to me again? Once you lay with me in the summer groves, and the blossoms drifted over us and the branches bowed down to my lips, and the long red sunlight of summer dappled the forest floor; and you sang all night long.

Will you never lift your head again? Once you rose, you moved without tiring, and on the dancing green under stars you were light-footed, and through the red and yellow leaves that drifted you were the swiftest in the chase, and brought me down, best of all the young men; and you rose above me high and strong.

Will you never hear my call again? Once I sang like a bird, no heartbroken note, once I sang and you heard me over the meadows, over valleys, over mountains, and groves; once you came to me voice dropping down swift from where you soared. You heard if I turned in my sleep, you woke if I murmured in my dreams.

But you have been unfaithful, you have listened to the earth’s voice, you have despaired, gone down into sleep and left me to my grief. How will I go after you and leave your children unprotected? Who will care for us now?

--Kage Baker, The House of the Stag

49.               The reason everyone my age has back pain is because our entire lives it was super uncool to carry your backpack on both shoulders.

--Missy Baker

50.               Inanimate objects are classified scientifically into three major categories: those that don’t work, those that break down, and those that get lost.

--Russell Baker