So today, I bring you George Carlin. I remember heading to a party with my wife-to-be in Sacramento, and the radio said that George Carlin was going to be in concert that night in Sacramento. We seriously thought about going, and soon after when we heard he died, we wished we had gone to see him.
I think missing seeing him is up there with the New Year's Eve double concert of Huey Lewis and the News & Tower of Power that I wish I had called in sick to while working at Sizzler are two of my biggest regrets.
But anyway, here's George:
100.
Have you ever noticed that anybody going slower than
you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
--George Carlin
101.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s
the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
--George Carlin
102.
If it’s true that our species is alone in the
universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for
very little.
--George Carlin
103.
It is
impossible to see accurately how you look in your
sunglasses.
--George Carlin
104. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
--George Carlin
105.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and
realize half of them are stupider than that.
--George Carlin
106.
Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s
important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the
second-best policy.
--George Carlin
107.
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that
sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those
people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
--George Carlin
108.
Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker,
and tits.
–George Carlin
109.
Some people see things that are and ask, “Why?” Some
people dream of things that never were and ask, “Why not?” Some people have to
go to work and don’t have time for all that.
--George Carlin
110.
I wanted to be a Boy Scout, but I had all the wrong
traits. They were looking for kids who were trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly,
courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent. Whereas
I tended to be devious, fickle, obstructive, hostile, impolite, mean, defiant, glum,
extravagant, dirty, and sacrilegious.
--George Carlin
111.
If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
--George Carlin
112.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way
to your house.
--George Carlin
113.
Religion
has actually convinced people that there is an invisible man living in the sky,
and he has a special list of ten things
he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these things he will send you
to a place full of fire, and smoke, and burn and torture forever and ever ‘til
the end of time… But he loves you! And he needs money.
--George Carlin
114.
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest
of your life.
--George Carlin
115.
Those who dance are considered insane by those who
can’t hear the music.
--George Carlin
116.
Tonight’s forecast: dark. Continuing dark throughout
the night and turning to widely scattered light in the morning.
--George Carlin
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